The Beginning

The beginning is always the hardest part because it presents both endless possibilities and a gaping black hole of the unknown. And that’s what I’m afraid of the most. But being an artist means waking up everyday and putting myself out there, squaring up against the unknown, even though success isn’t guaranteed.

Moreover, I struggle to start. (Hell, it took me almost a year after I planned to create this artistic space for myself). I struggle to let myself and my thoughts take up space. I struggle with my own mind as it fights against me and prevents me from just doing. I struggle to find a reason.

But yesterday, I realized I don’t need a reason or justification to take up space. I exist. Therefore, I take up space. And so do my thoughts. If I want to share, I should - without anxiety or struggle because the only way to guarantee any modicum of success as an artist is to first, put yourself out there. While I’m battling my mind over shoulds and should-nots, other people are taking their artistic real estate and enjoying their capital gains. Moreover, doing so without a moment’s thought.

Privilege is the first thing that comes to mind after writing that sentence. I didn’t grow up with a lot and I didn’t have many people that looked after me, no one that really saw me. I’ve recently realized that I grew up in survival mode. But that was then. This is now. And “this” is 25 and the start of a whole new year. It took me a while but I built myself equitable conditions from which I can finally reach Level 1. All I have to do is take a step and move myself onto it.

Imposter syndrome is the second thing that comes to mind. And boy, is it hard to get past. It’s a paralyzing agent created by my own mind to prevent me from taking that first step. But actually, this isn’t my first step. I’ve taken hundreds of thousands of steps just to get on “Go - collect $200” - I’m just entering new terrain. And all that I’ve done up to this point is proof that I belong in the game.

I belong in the arena.

I belong on the field.

I deserve to own my own real estate.

This blog, this website, my YouTube channel is where I’ve decided to build a foundation for an artistic house. I have to remind myself that it takes time for a seed to sprout and grow into something hearty; slowly but surely I will make this artistic house a home.

And I can’t wait to invite you over.